Namaste

 

 

My son offered months ago to bring me to Tennessee to meet my new granddaughter.  At that first offer, there were a host of reasons why it was not a very good idea.  I won’t get into them here.  Those that know me well enough - well, they just know how life can be here from time to time.  So I reluctantly declined, and I felt terrible, and I was resentful at not feeling ‘able’ to meet my granddaughter and see my son, and it was a difficult thing to surrender up in my heart at that time.

 

The subject was raised again here a month or so ago.  In that span of time, a lot of things have shifted for me on the inner plane, and the entire thing truly seemed a WHOLE lot more doable.  Suddenly, a door opened for me that I had never imagined before even existed, and then I was making plans to go to Tennessee.  In a freaking airplane.  ALONE.

 

The airplane was a pretty big hurdle, as some of you know.  I’d only ever been on one once before – when I was 12 and didn’t know any better than to just innocently sit there and enjoy it.  Since then, I have come to know too much, and I had developed quite the terror of the idea.  Every time I thought about it, I got queasy and felt a little faint and broke out in a cold sweat.  I struggled mightily with it.  Of course, as most of you can well imagine – what we freak ourselves out with is always way freakier than anything real could ever hope to be.  In the end, after FOUR airplanes in 5 days (2 going, 2 coming back), I am mostly over that fear.  Though I do wish they would perfect that PERFECTLY smooth flight.  Am a little tense in those moments when it sort of feels like we’re kind of falling out of the sky.  Just a little bit.

 

I’d talked to friends online, and my youngest kid – who is one of a couple plane riding fools I personally raised – had counseled me (“Just look at the others on the plane – if they’re still reading their books or whatever, you’re fine...”).  Daughter in law echoed nearly the same exact advice.  Near the time to go, someone reminded me to try EFT.  (I never think of these things.  When it comes to doing things for others, I am creative; when it comes to doing things for myself, not so much...) and I looked up this EFT affirmation that laid the fear out in such silly and ridiculous terms (“Planes fall from the sky every day – several times a day”), that just reading the exercise made me feel better.  EFT actually done, of course, reinforced it.  I also gave myself Reiki several times.  I was still anxious, but I made it.  First plane, I didn’t bother to tell the flight attendant my sad story (as kid had also suggested).  It seemed rather embarrassing in my own head, and I decided to just keep it to myself unless I started panicking.

 

I sat next to a really nice woman who was about my age who understood my anxiety when I thought it was only fair to give her some sort of advance warning, and she very gently assured me and checked on me with an “Are you doing OK?” every once in a while.  Very sweet and so very HUMAN of her.  I was so deeply appreciative of her compassionate presence.  I was mildly scared after I got on, but I was maintaining fairly well, considering.  But then we started to taxi... and quite against my will, a few tears leaked forth – which again sort of mortified me.  Only person on the plane CRYING for Chrissakes, I can guarantee that.  Oh how I wished for a hand to hold in that moment.  No, I did not ask that of my kind seatmate.  But she noticed, and I sort of laughed (I had my eyes closed... pretty terrified), and I asked, “Are we up yet?” to which she replied, “Yes – and it’s just beautiful.”  Feeling such a trusting bond to this stranger, I opened my eyes, and she was absolutely right.

 

I don’t even remember her name.  We did introduce ourselves to each other, but the fear immediately blasted it right out of my head.  But I was very grateful for this woman, and I told her so a few times.  A very gracious and loving time spent in her company – and I think I owe a lot of my success at overcoming the vast majority of this fear to her.  My airplane angel, truly.  She offered just the right amount of support while allowing me to conquer it one moment at a time, on my own.  When we were landing in Houston (landing in Houston... UGH), there was a little change in air density that had us bumping along a little bit, and I sort of grasped the armrests and said maybe a little too loudly, “Normal?!” and my new friend assured me it was, explaining the air density thing – while the lady in front of us turned around to ask if I was OK.  Sheesh.  Big fat baby.  LOL

 

Landing in Houston (having, of course, taken off from San Diego), I was flabbergasted by the sheer SIZE of the terminal.  Yeah, that whole take-a-TRAIN-to-the-other-side-of-the-building thing.  Good God.  I believe the first plane had been a 747 (Continental Airlines, which I guess is now owned by United – like I have a CLUE what’s going on in the acquisitions of airlines), perhaps.  The second was whatever United Express files – some small jet, three seats across – two on one side of the 6-inch wide aisle, one on the other – holding at my best guess maybe 50 people.  A 707?  I have no idea.  Second plane was a little easier, even though being a smaller plane it was more susceptible to every difference about the air.  I sat by the window – wasn’t even my seat, but that’s where I went when I boarded and the girl whose seat it was seemed nonplussed by sitting on the aisle, being immersed first in her phone, and later in the flight by her laptop.  I watched as we took off and climbed into the air.  And was only a little bit anxious.

 

Landing on both planes gave me very little problem – even knowing that it’s the most dangerous part of the flight.  Both pilots made very smooth landings.  On the way down, I had my one incident on the first plane of wondering if the slight falling sensation was normal or not, but none such on the second (yeah, I can learn a few new things here and there once in a while...)

 

 

It was such a joy to see my son at the airport – and not just because we were both on solid ground at that point!  The trip back to his house was wonderful.  Since he’d come alone to pick me up, I had him all to myself for two hours.  Which was awesome, considering it had been forever since I’d seen him last.  We filled the entire two hours with conversation, catching up and sharing.  Just GLORIOUS.  I am so blessed with kids who will REALLY talk to me.  It was a special re-bonding time for us.  I enjoyed it so very, very much.  And the trip itself to their suburb area of Chattanooga was pleasant all the way along the route. 

 

I found Tennessee absolutely GORGEOUS.  It had been raining in Knoxville when I landed, but it stayed clear or ever so slightly clouded the rest of my visit.  Mostly it was really nice and pleasant weather for the duration.  The first thing I noticed right away about EVERYWHERE I landed was that, in contrast to San Diego – in which there is very little open land – EVERYWHERE else had TREES and OPEN LAND galore.  Houston, DC, Knoxville – all had stretches of Nature the likes of which Southern California could only have the faintest of vague recollections.  I know there is still a lot up in Northern California, but down here the concrete jungle and desert prevail with stands of trees being the anomaly.  There’s simply not a lot in the way of copses of trees and sprawling open expanses of the fantastically colored land of farms or parks or whatever.  VERY different.  An enjoyable difference.  I’d forgotten how much I really love LOTS of trees.

 

One of the most memorable things along the trip back to the house from the airport was the multiple billboards that were advertising fireworks.  Excuse me – FIREWORKS!!!  With animation and actual sparkling effects.  The signs were all very similar – all for the same giant fireworks maker, it seemed - just different sizes.  And there were many of them.  One of the first things my son remarked upon: “There’s something you’re not going to see much of in California.”  That’s true.  We’re not allowed fireworks in California.  We’re too stupid and burn the crap out of everything like a bunch of idiots when they let us have them, so they disallow them overall.  Used to be county by county – now it’s everywhere because apparently the stupid has spread epidemically throughout the State.

 

He told me that it had been a lot prettier before the last storm had blown through and stripped the trees of all their colorful leaves, but I found it absolutely enchanting, nonetheless.

 

I won’t bore you with all of my adventures.  I am a cheap date, and what amuses or delights me is often not so much a thrill to someone else – like I enjoyed the happy bliss of my daughter in law and me just going out and about and visiting a nearby thrift store, and one of the high points – BESIDES, of course, meeting my granddaughter! – was the awesome ice cream place we went to called “The Ice Cream Show”. 

 

I was left with several positive impressions of this very beautiful State.  First of all, contrary to popular California opinion, everyone is NOT walking around in red and black plaid packing a shotgun.  And spitting tobacco.  In their John Deere hat.  (LOL)  As a matter of fact, I saw a couple things that led me to believe that Chattanooga, Tennessee may well be somewhat more evolved than San Diego, California in some respects.  First of all, almost ALL their billboards are digital or those moving panel things.  Fancy as all get out.  Their roads are all ENORMOUS – and nicer yet, almost completely DEVOID of traffic – you can tell the economy is fine and that people are about, it’s just not all of them feel this need to cram themselves like sardines into one small space; the whole place is clean, well-cared for, actually rather pretty.  Like people CARE about it.

 

The air is crisp and clean, and things just FEEL like they’re going at a more rational speed than they do here in Southern California.  People have TIME to stop and chat and be KIND to one another.  There is time for leisure activity.  Life is NOT all about the almighty dollar and who we can impress most next.  And that IS a feeling, folks.  I can tell the difference of it just between Northern and Southern California.  The difference between Southern California and Tennessee is like the difference between Earth and Mars.  That NOTICEABLE.  Everyone is a LOT more connected on a HUMAN level.  I liked that a LOT.

 

When we took the baby out to have some photos taken of her, we were near to a freeway bridge that I believe goes across the Tennessee River, and at one point there were like 10 cars on it all at once, and my daughter in law’s mother pointed and said, “Rush hour.” Hahahaha  Not only are the roads huge and orderly and clean and in good repair and pretty – they are consistently so, from the small neighborhoods to the highways.  When I see how Tennessee takes care of itself, it makes me wonder what the hell is the MATTER with California.  You can bet we have more money.  A LOT more money.  And yet we do not achieve this graceful state – not even close.  I’d want to investigate that if I could stand politics.  But I can’t, so I shan’t.  I would wager it has a lot more to do with the personality of the people who inhabit a place and what is important to them.

 

The weather stayed mostly beautiful and slightly cool.  If it rained at all, it was not while we were up and about.  It got a little cloudy the last couple days, but mostly it was just plain pleasant.  I’d decided to forego my winter coat, looking at the weather there online.  Seemed it wasn’t much different than it was here at this time of year, and it wasn’t.  It really only got very cold much later at night, or in the wee hours of the morning.  Only a couple times did I wish for my wonderful, long, wool blend, freshly dry-cleaned for the first time in three years, warm bad-ass coat.  Otherwise, I was glad to not be carting the sucker around with me, unnecessarily.

 

Everywhere we went the buildings were huge – and awesome.  Everything looked like a mansion and many of them actually were.  And of those that actually were, it was not uncommon for them to fall well below a half million dollars to purchase.  Same thing out west here would be in the multiples of millions, especially if it came with that much land.  What Tennesseeans refer to as ‘the back yard’ we in California refer to as ‘the main City Park’.  Real yards you can actually do something with.  Everything was so PRETTY – and so CLEAN.  Here in California, sometimes the pretty seems a little too forced, and you can never say that it’s too clean.  I mean, NEVER.  And though I have not traveled much else wise, I have traveled nearly the entire length of California, and I have never seen this level of cleanliness and attention to fine detail in a community ANYWHERE else I have been.

 

And here’s my favorite part of immersing in Southern Hospitality for three whole days: whereas, here in California, such has been the case that when I would be out and about and I would pass a stranger on the street, in the store, whatever, and I would smile – that I would most often receive a sort of frown or blank stare in return - often followed by the other lowering their eyes to the ground, quickly scurrying past, lest I should try to smile at them AGAIN, in Tennessee, the weirdest thing happened.  We would be out, or I would just be standing outside having one of those few and far between cigarettes, and a stranger would walk by.  I would smile, and lo and behold, they would SMILE BACK – AND ask me how I was, to which I would reply pleasantly that I was doing pretty good (because I was!) and ask them in return how they were doing, to which THEY would take the time to (sometimes even STOP! and) reply, usually in the positive - and sometimes even go on to share a little bit more of themselves.

 

WOW.  I totally DUG on that part.

 

First full day there, my daughter in law took their ‘puppy’ (and I use that term loosely - he’s some sort of husky, Siberian  I think, and he’s a sort of small horse-sized dog) to the dog park.  Here in California, that would be a little strip of grass where the dogs are allowed to have nervous sniffing interaction and take care of necessary business.  In Tennessee, the DOG Park portion of the park is larger (and nicer) than many small city HUMAN parks I have frequented.  AND it had trees with tennis balls hidden in them (the regulars were going from tree to tree to find them), watering stations, and ramps and the like for exercise.  Nicer by far than many human parks I’ve been in.

 

Then we went for a short walk along a trail in the larger portion of the park.  Just like I had experienced up north (Mendocino area of California, Fort Bragg and such), the city park was so extraordinary that it was like visiting something special like the Grand Canyon or a preserve of some sort or something.  There was an historic building on the site that was still used, there WAS a canyon in the park, and a river ran through it.  The trail, unfortunately, wended its way UPWARDS, and having been a long time smoker, having been some time since the last time I’d REALLY exercised any, carrying the baby, and still being on the mending end of overcoming a long and difficult bout of bronchitis, I didn’t make it very far before I was winded (but NOT wheezing! So I will take my blessings as they come!  The bronchitis had been a real monster.)  Lucky for me, Paige decided she felt fussy around the same time (it was chilly and Grandmama was NOT being a lot of fun in the moment), so we took a short cut back to the car.  But the walk had been stimulating and peaceful and beautiful – and my first chance to bond a little more with my daughter in law.

 

I enjoyed everything about my visit to the South.  Southern Comfort food is awesome.  I can’t move there because I would weigh a thousand pounds.  And my son married a good cook who likes to try new things!  Southern Hospitality can’t be beat.  Makes California look like the cold bitch that she really is, too much of the time.  The weather in Tennessee is highly tolerable – I kept envisioning my son out digging his car out of snowdrifts to get to work.  Make me want to cry!  Then only to find out it only snows a couple times a year and at that, only about 8” at a time...  It is beautiful and clean and pleasant and sweet and nice and comfortable and easy and smooth... The energy of the place is very smooooth.

 

Of course, since we all know I’m a crazy Fringe Bleeding Heart Liberal Democrat Nonconformist New Age Heathen Pagan Heretic Lost Soul, a longer lingering might prove to be a little more challenging – Tennessee IS a red state, after all.  But before it got to that point, there would just be a whole lot of NICE involved.  And I have a feeling, even if they were relegating me into the bowels of Hell for my chosen spiritual and (roughly non-) political path, they would likely do it in as NICE a manner as possible.  LOL!!

 

Though the visit to the state itself was a very wonderful experience, more wonderful by far was the opportunity to meet my nearly 8-month old granddaughter.  You know, when your kids move away and start a family, if you come from a space such as mine, you just become resigned to the fact that you aren’t going to see them much.  And he’s married into a really great family who keep me up on what’s going on, including his wife who has kept me involved with what the baby is doing since she came home from the hospital with her.  I have not felt left out or like I have missed anything at all.  But you know... you just know that you’re not going to be seeing much of them.  And they eventually wish to move even further, when the time is right.  As a practical mom, I know that means less and less actual contact.

 

But a small part of me was frustrated that I could not HOLD her.  There is that continuity of life thing.  That assurance that what I gave my life to has meaning and purpose into the future.  My son is a father.  And the torch is passed along.  Having lost my sister a year and a half ago, and our mother 25 years ago, I felt such a yearning to make this physical connection with her for the sake of what continuity is left for this bunch.  We are a small family at this point, and dwindling.  His offer to bring me out there was an immense offering of love to me.  I swallowed my fears and did things I have NEVER done on my own, just to hold her in my arms and count her toes and kiss her nose and beam with joy at all of them for their happy family and existence.  For just a few days, nothing else mattered.  All that mattered was the fact that I was REALLY relaxing, I was getting to know my daughter in law better and getting to spend time with my sorely missed son.  And I was getting as much of that grandbaby as possible.

 

She is such a good baby!  Hardly fusses at all.  And EVERYONE says she’d make a great Gerber Baby.  We grandmas certainly have our biases, but I honest to God think she is the prettiest baby I have ever seen – and I had some pretty darn pretty babies, myself.  (I do not hesitate to mention that I have photographic evidence that she is eerily like her Daddy as a baby – but has all the best of Mommy, too!) 

Just now 8 months old, she is already a fledgling nerd.  She can smell technology from across the room – particularly if it has BUTTONS – and will wiggle herself over any obstacle to obtain it.  She knows EXACTLY what to do with a computer keyboard.  My Little Pony makes her glow like an angel.  LOL!!  And do the baby bounce dance with a big grin on her face and wide, sparkling eyes.  SO CUTE!

 

Though the whole experience took me WAY out of my comfort zone, and pushed me WAY beyond most of my endurances, it was one of the best experiences of my life to this point.  Perfection in every way.  Comfort and peace and joy and family and happiness and freedom and LOVE.  Every single step, every single moment.

 

Meeting my daughter in law’s family was very nice, too.  With the internet to connect us nowadays, we can get to know people pretty well without ever having met them.  I did meet her mom briefly right after the kids had gotten married and they were moving out there.  But it felt just like sitting down with someone I already knew (her mom) and the rest whom I met had the same feeling of family about them.  It was very special to see her mom again and to meet other members of the family whom I hear so much about.  Including the many fur children (cats and dogs).

 

My daughter in law is a lovely, gracious hostess, with warmth and a decent sense of humor and an easygoingness that put me immediately at ease in their home.  I could tell she had taken the time to plan some time out doing some things around town – but knowing how I am, not too much and simple stuff.  She took me special, memorable places and treated me to small treats that were full of big love and meaning.  The baby stayed with Tennessee Grandma for an evening, and we went out to dinner together at Sticky Fingers.  We spent our time sharing deeper portions of ourselves with each other and enjoying the baby in all her growing amazingness.  Coming from such periods of such ABNORMAL family function in my past, it was so beautiful to have such NORMAL interaction and to just relax so completely into the experience.  She cooked, she connected, she made sure I was comfortable, and made me feel like a special guest – without too much of the GUEST part.  She fully embraced me as family in her home.  So very wonderful.  I am so grateful my son found her.  So pleased I can call her “friend”.

 

Every portion of my trip was totally worth the initial terror, the long hours, the complete exhaustion, the jet lag (haha).  I overcame so much within myself, proved so much TO myself about what I am able to manage within my life, what I can do on my own, how completely empowered I can be – and more so, how I can leave for 5 days and the bunch at home somehow manages to take care of itself!  I know in that small span of days I was changed in large ways that will serve me magnificently on the pathways ahead.  I claimed more of my true self on this trip.  I introduced myself to portions of myself I don’t think I knew existed before.   I planted seeds of actualization that will grow far into the future for my greater benefit later on down the road.

 

Yeah, yeah.  It was JUST a 3 day visit to Tennessee.  No, you have no idea, really.  It was SO much more, considering the space I had to exit in order to experience it.

 

But above and beyond everything else, I held that beautiful little baby in my arms and felt the future blooming in all its glory before me.  It was like holding Eternity in my hands and just gaping in amazement at the sheer wonder of it all.  She is such a glorious little miracle.  I am so grateful for all of them.  And I am so deeply grateful for the opportunity to hold her close to my Heart.  The joy of it fills my heart to overflowing.

 

 

 

Statement of Beingness June 2011

 

I have decided to try and make some sort of statement of my current state of being and what I mean to be doing at this point in my life.  Seems to me that more and more, people are misinterpreting me.  Which ain’t really anything NEW, just that NOW I am finding that I keep trying to explain myself – all to no real lasting effect.  (Used to almost never try to explain myself... I’d given up on that many years ago when I realized I was OBVIOUSLY from another planet or something.)  I am fortunate to have some people in my world who just seem to understand the processes I am experiencing, from their own perspectives, by way of their own experiences (we may not always agree, but we are always sharing in a space of Love and acceptance).  Then I have some that are apparently either too privileged by their lack of similar experience or otherwise too locked within their own judgments to see anything but their own distorted perceptions.  There are, of course, many variances along the spectrum – and then some people just don’t give a crap, entirely (and, believe me, that’s fine...) 

 

Frankly, I am addressing ALL of you.  Just I LIKE some of you more than others. Hahaha

 

Anyway, I will begin with where I WAS.

 

I CAME to Southern California, escaping an abusive marriage, 20 years ago.  What had happened then was SO severe that I’d had to literally be rescued by friends and family.  I CAME here rather desperately damaged, and did not even actually realize it at first.  Made a lot of personal mistakes in those first months, while trying to establish some sense of self and autonomy, while being the mother of two young children and trying to figure out how to START my life. 

 

Hard, that, since I had been rescued TO my Dad’s home, and we all know how it feels to run home to our parents.  It’s pretty demoralizing.  But thank GOD I had the option at the time.  And thank God for the intervening years, as well – despite more challenges.  At least I have not had to worry about a HOME in all that time, and I have also been able to take on the responsibility of caring for my father in his ailing elderly years.  (I am not always so FOND of that responsibility – for various reasons – but I am nonetheless grateful for the opportunity to serve him as he cannot always take care of himself, and I do have great compassion for his situation.)

 

Anyway, I will pretty well gloss over the intervening years, only to say that I met my current husband and within a few years we were experiencing some serious difficulties, of which many of you know the basic forms.  It has been a situation which has escalated with time, peaked in a singular moment of high crisis, and has been in one form of healing – or not (all healing of relationships comes in waves) – for the past several years, now.  It has been an incredibly difficult struggle for me, personally, and there has been a lot of pain and suffering on the parts of all family members, as well as great physical, emotional, mental and energetic upheaval across the time span.  There have been times when we were certain it was not worth the struggle, and we have come to the point of nearly separating many times.  Somehow, though, what is truly the love and hope that DOES exist between us always intervenes at the 11th hour to have us BOTH reconsidering and creating new parameters for the next phase.

 

Within these last few years, I have experienced yet another level of spiritual awakening – and overall WAKE UP CALL – and the intensity of this process has magnified many fold over any other time in my life.  I am personally sensing a sort of fast-track through some Life Lessons (which are not necessarily the same things as lessons learned in the moment for THIS life... but are the larger, overall THEMES which I think span BEYOND this lifetime.  FAR beyond, likely into countless others) through personal initiations and development, perhaps even in preparation for something in the long run (if I can manage to keep a grip on the opportunity long enough for it to manifest into my life, fully). 

 

I have been one to ‘doze’ off and on (nothing nullifies pain like falling ASLEEP), and this last period was a real doozy.  Hence, the VOW in this moment to myself that I shall not slumber within this lifetime of mine AGAIN.  I have no time for spiritual nap-taking now (not that I EVER did, but it is a far more desperate situation now than it has ever been before).

 

Many of the difficulties of the situation remain on several fronts, on many levels – some have changed vastly for the better and in their nature, some not so much, some... well, Dad’s just deteriorating and there isn’t a lot to be done about that.  He fights me most steps of the way...  But ALL of them are being addressed.  In some moments more intelligently than in others, but addressed all the same –which is a new thing from years past, where there was too much fear to bring some of these matters to the table for discussion and hopeful resolution.  Some of the people I know absolutely understand my need to traverse the process in my own way – slow and still stressful as it can be.  Perhaps they, too, have been in situations that were not so easy to drop like they were hot, and they comprehend the gifts to self within the very irritating process itself.  Perhaps they are simply just less judgmental than some others I know.

 

Just for an instance, one of my issues over the years is a total lack of self esteem, ignited and mindfully tended over in one way or another by a rich variety of fucked up people who have been close to me, throughout my lifetime.  So, I am choosing to consciously seize the opportunity within my current situation to deeply retrain myself – in an intense manner that could be achieved with no one else, in no other set of circumstances - against being a total doormat.  Yeah – I could simply throw the problem out of the house (regardless of history or love, despite my GUT FEELING that that would be the WRONG response) and just find an EASIER situation to become involved in.  But my GUT tells me two things: I am meant to learn to take a stand for myself ON the battlefield instead of in the relative ease of the medic’s tent, AND I am possibly able to teach something of value to others through my own process – those in my immediate vicinity, as well as by way of the sharing of my experience so others may benefit.

 

Many of my own personal issues (issues of others, notwithstanding) will follow me, no matter WHO I am with (or NOT), where I go or what I do.  Because what makes me react the way I do is WITHIN me, sourcing from my own damage.  Making the situation ‘go away’ does not solve that problem within ME.  As for the issues of others, we are fairly intelligent people, generally speaking, and we are working through them together – as well as being absolutely aware of the possible result that they can NOT be worked through to everyone’s satisfaction.  There are no secrets here about what is going on, and everyone is fully on the same page.  I sincerely feel that all parties want the best for each other, even when in the moment it does not appear so much as such.  None of the people in my midst are BAD people – but they DO largely come from rotten backgrounds, and have a hard time not bringing it all forward with them. 

 

So, for those who just think I am being foolish, or who think I make excuses to keep the drama rolling, or who believe I am easily duped, or who wonder if I am somehow still roaming about within the fog from which I actually began to emerge in some form 4 years ago, I truly wish you could realize the intense CONSCIOUSNESS in my process now.  I am using many tools at my disposal to help myself on a spiritual level, which brings great healing on the physical, as well as through time and space to the past – distant past, I believe, in instances.  My process is completely about ME and what *I* can handle and what *I* need to move into the heart of the vibration I wish to hold consistently.  While, also, being aware of the connections and service I WISH to give to the others around me.  (Service vs Slavery)

 

Within the process is a thousand fold opportunities for standing up, a thousand fold opportunities for no longer being disrespected, a thousand fold opportunities for not cowering in a corner, a thousand fold opportunities for being true to myself – and I truly feel that I am resolving numberless instances in the past with every small victory I take for myself.  I no longer feel fear in my personal life experience, and I have grown in immeasurable ways in these last few years.  I know without a doubt that I have real, live, interested assistance and support in my area – many of whom would never ALLOW me to return to the desperate days of the past.  I am moving forward VERY much in Warrior Mode – even if I have moments when I have imbalance and inability to manage it.  (I am betting more than one Warrior has collapsed in distress in the middle of the battlefield...)  Those moments are VERY few, in comparison.  And what I do not come on here every day to share (but which is reflected in the fact that I am usually on here focusing on the Work instead of on something in my own life falling apart) is that there is a positive forward motion, despite the fact that difficulties remain.

 

There is also within the process a thousand fold opportunities to learn Compassion - for ALL of us.

 

Yes, I have crisis – don’t you?  No, I do not think I am a magnet for bad experiences because I am a bad person (the common interpretation of “The Secret” material).  No, I don’t think the people around me are bad people that need to be excised from my life for there to be improvement – we ALL know that we may need to separate, but we also ALL wish it NOT to be the case.  We are all still WORKING on it.  And some of you, who have been here as I am, know that is a process and a time eater and a stressful situation – but many of you also know that it is something to be honored, so long as all parties are continuing in all integrity and honesty. 

 

So, as I mentioned in a status the other day, I DO ask for energetic assistance on the days that seem unmanageable – and it is NOT for sympathy.  It is for MATERIAL support.  And BELIEVE ME, I *FEEL* it when the flow comes in.  It is not some placebo to the problem.  It is TRUE solution.  I honestly believe it is because of all the Love and support I have received over these last few years that I have survived, healed as far as I have, and hold hope into my future.  It is because of the loving assistance of hearts who know me – as well as those that do not – that the healing is throughout the house, and that motion forward is ongoing.  Without a doubt, I believe that Spirit sends me Angels on Facebook.  And I am so grateful for every single one of you.  Especially for those that I have been able to build lasting friendships with.

 

Precious beyond compare.

 

My plan into the future is not at all defined (much to my own personal irritation – I just have this fondness for KNOWING things, that’s all...)  I am just trying to follow the clues, the scents, the smiles and the feelings.  So far, that has served me well.  Does not mean that I am doing everything perfectly, but then I learn in the moments I err, as well.  It is, as I have already said, an intensive training.  I feel I am being pressed through a decade of university sometimes in the space of a week.  But then, I have a feeling I did that to myself somewhere along the line, and now I am being given an opportunity to UNDO it, through Grace. 

 

So, please be patient as I feel my way along this blind path of mine.  I WILL panic in moments and do ALL the wrong things... because often I am so unsure of what is next that I just don’t know what to do with myself.  YES – TRUST.  Ask those around me.  It is one of my biggest issues (which is why, when I finally DO find someone I feel I can trust, it so throws me out of balance to discover I cannot...)  But I continue in every moment to surrender... and to surrender again... and again and again, if I have to.  It is not whether I am doing it ‘right’ or not.  The point of the matter is THAT I am doing it, at all.

 

Heaven’s standards are not the same as ours here on Earth, and I feel strongly that I am doing AS I AM BEING LED TO DO.

 

Namaste.  And thank you for all the Love.  I can never express all my appreciation and gratitude for so much of a gift to my unfolding Life.

 

-Holly

 

 

 

 

Trust Yourself or Trust the Teacher

 

I was a solitary student of spiritual concepts for a long, long time.  Frankly, with an education this important, I was none too sure I trusted another HUMAN with it.  I absorbed material of diverse sorts for many years, and in meditation culled what seemed appropriate to me based on the feeling-tone of its level of truth.  In this manner, I built my concepts of reality, the Greater Reality, and my place within it all.

 

I have been on and off the path for the better part of 30 years.  I would go so far as to say my whole life, if I were to go by how the interface between ‘physical’ and ‘non-physical’ reality has ALWAYS felt to me, but I gauge it by when I became conscious of BEING on a path.  That occurred spontaneously when I was 15, though the details and depth of what it meant for me did not emerge until my early adulthood.  Once I had an understanding of what was basically happening to me, I let myself be guided through the process of discovery and, again, spent a goodly portion of this early period sorting through ideals and tossing out what didn’t work and keeping what did.

 

It was not until a series of major life crises – material and internal – occurred in my life and I found myself inwardly between the proverbial rock and illusory hard place, that I made a – rather drastic, for me - decision to stop the solitary sojourn and to begin to find traveling companions.  Honestly, the path had become too complex to manage on my own, anymore.  Between the things occurring in my own life and the things that were being revealed, reworked, rewoven and resubmitted for approval within me, I realized I was being asked – quite stridently – to step up into my life NOW.  It had a sense of immediacy about it, a sort of ‘now or never’ sort of flavor to the request, and I felt instantly that there was no ignoring it and going on with life as if it had not been made.

 

Since that time, I have not allowed myself the luxury – and certain personal disaster – of hitting the snooze bar again.  And believe me, in the process of CORRECTING and RECREATING from within the results of another long period of sleeping through my life, there has been plenty of opportunity to wish for a nice long nap again.  There are days when the effort to not just slip back into unconsciousness is quite strenuous.  Yes – they are negatively supported by ongoing difficulties in my daily experience.  Yes, I still make the choice to work within these difficulties.  That is all ABSOLUTELY conscious.  But even with sometimes tremendous stress against the positive, I refuse to close my eyes again. 

 

There are some around me who knew-me-when, and who know a good deal of the space from which I come.  It was a pretty broken place, and it is not the first time I have found myself in such a position.  In fact, as so many in this world can relate, I come from an originally broken environment, and my life has been a series of damaged situations.  I can honestly say that I have NEVER lived in a truly ‘normal’ (whatever that is), nurturing, and healthy, progressive environment.  From birth until this very moment.  I have had periods of time when it was far more so or far less so, but never at a level that I think absolutely normal, nurturing, healthy, progressive human beings would find acceptable or life-affirming.  Nonetheless, many of these same people who know this space from which I come and the space which I inhabit at this time can see that I AM working within the structure that I find myself, and that I am hardly sitting still awaiting some dispensation from Heaven to save me.  There has been much shift on my interior plane – which was work enough as it is.  And there is much that DOES materialize in my physical situation, if the effect I desire is not perfect in all cases.

 

I do not say this for any sympathy.  I am far from the only person to have experienced this, and I am of a sort that it has had its effect but it has never served to undo me entirely.  I am a lot stronger than most people give me credit for, and I am not just blindly and stupidly stumbling through my experience at all times.  Even in my sleeping periods, I have been highly conscious of what *I* was putting out into the world – if, at that very same time, I was also allowing so much garbage to be heaped upon me that it is a wonder I have never suffocated beneath the weight of it.  I know the scenarios I find myself within are not optimal for what I would LIKE to achieve for myself (at even the most basic level, before it becomes ‘too late’), and I know that my companions are not generally of the superior quality I need in order to support the sort of work I would like to be doing in our ongoing Ascension process. 

 

But I also know within my heart that how I am going about the entire matter is appropriate for me in my progression.  Sure – I could just follow the directions of others and probably have some results that at the very least pleased them, but I am not so certain that I would get the results I am SUPPOSED to be getting from the process, nor would I be doing anything from the prompting of my own SOUL – which is the unparalleled Source of any success along my own path, thus far.

 

More recently, I have had a few sources – some well respected teachers amongst them – giving me their opinion that they do not feel I am ‘doing the work’ and that I am not achieving all of the results I desire because of this.  I certainly understand a portion of what they are saying – I am certainly not on task in ALL moments.  But I am also certainly on-task MUCH of the time – far more so than at any other time of my life and I continue to make attempt to improve that percentage, and I am not allowing many of the undermining behaviors around me that were so ever-present in the past.  I am working HARD to get from where I have come to where I wish to be.  I may not be doing it in the methods others would prescribe as a ‘more correct path’ from A to B, but I am doing it the way MY Soul leads me in this moment.

 

I truly become upset at this opinion that I am not doing as I am ‘supposed’ to be doing.  First and foremost, I do not think any human being – channeling a Master from On High or not – can tell us what we are ‘supposed’ to be doing.  Others can lend highly appropriate and wise suggestions, some are even trained to ‘see’ the potentials into the future – but NO ONE can tell us what we are SUPPOSED to be doing, because the sense of that lies within each us.  Even were the whole world to tell us to do this one thing, and within us we felt it was NOT the right thing, then we would need to honor that deeper truth which we are trying to tell ourselves.

 

If there is one thing I have learned to trust in my lifetime, it is my Gut Reaction.  EVERY single time it tried to warn me off a situation and I ignored it, I have suffered.  EVERY single time I have trusted it, it has saved me a great deal of distress.  Knowing this now, I have learned to trust it with lesser and lesser matters in my life.  Meaning – I don’t have to be in crisis in order to inquire of my own self what I really FEEL about something.  Used to be, I think, I didn’t pay attention to what I felt about things – it was going to largely be negated, anyway.  These past few years have taught me to be extraordinarily aware of ALL of my feelings.  Yes – this gives me some appearance all of a sudden of having too much to say about my feelings (believe me – there are those around me who wish I would just keep it to myself.  It was a lot easier that way, for them... and for me, as well).  But what it also does is validate my own experience for myself – regardless of whether or not anyone else is going to participate in that validation.

 

What is happening is that I am reforging my space.  More precisely, I am forging a space where none existed before.  I have always subsisted within someone else’s space, never feeling entitled to my own before.  I admit to still being in and out of this – though more and more I press into my own birthright of a JOYFULLY ALIVE EXISTENCE and more and more I claim my rightful heritage of having peace, choice and honoring within that existence. 

 

Frankly, this has little to do with saving my way of life, my marriage, or my relationships with other members of my family, having whatever it is that society would deem “normal”.  This process is, for me, a shedding – sometimes painfully thin layers at a time that come off like flayed skin – conditioning and limitations that feel like they go back FAR, FAR beyond this lifetime, but which are still continually echoed in my current life circumstances, beginning with day one and many still sounding until the current moment in varying degrees.  Then it is about carving out of largely unhewn stone that which I am now understanding I must consciously create for myself – it ain’t never gonna create itself on its own. 

 

I am being very active in my process, from the inside out.  Much HAS externalized for me in positive ways – if not in all the positive ways I would like.  I not only live in a largely self-created (through firm taking of the stance I prefer) kinder situation, but I am stronger within myself than I have ever been in my lifetime.  Genuinely, authentically – not because I am fooling myself with my own bravado.  This may be something that some ‘normal’ people achieve by the time that they are ten years old, and they have no appreciation whatsoever for those of us who reach the middle of our lives and have NEVER had it, in truth.  Well, let me tell you - that is not only a lot of hard, honest internal work to achieve – it is an unparalleled gift to give to oneself.

 

Just because I continue to work through the particulars of my own life situation as I do, and some others would think the best thing is to – somehow – just stroll away from it all off into the sunset (and there are a thousand and one PRACTICAL reasons I have no such intention – and at least as many why I sure wish it was that EASY), that does not mean that I am somehow getting it all wrong.  I am being very honest about how things are unfolding, I am not standing around being an easy target for abuse, I am striving to ‘do better’ than I have done for myself before in all respects – since I recognize fully that there is a long road ahead of me in terms of re-gathering myself to my self and clearing away the debris I have allowed to accumulate unconsciously for a lifetime. 

 

And I am also absolutely aware that the clearing and the re-gathering and the shift that takes me to another space entirely COULD begin to manifest very suddenly.  I am not at all trying to define HOW anything could happen for me.  God knows it has likely been my trying to define and design my own life that has caused me so much trouble to begin with. 

 

I simply cannot abide with anyone telling me that I am not ‘doing the work’.  I AM doing the work – MY work, if not their version of it.  Doing what MY Soul sings for me to do, because often She grows quiet when I say maybe we should do this other thing that others think we should do.  ALL of my major (and most of my minor) decisions are placed upon the roundtable of my spiritual council, and I am at all times trying to choose the higher road in matters.  I am always doing what feels most honestly right in the moment – and I am sincerely not trying to guess the next moment.  Again and again I have had it proved that I might be totally wrong playing THAT game.  So I do not plan the path terribly far ahead, since it is not my place to lead my own blind self... likely into the same damn dumb places I have before when I only trusted my own judgment and allowed no assistance from those enlisted to aid me.

 

But I DO reach for a feeling tone of BEING - a sense of freedom, a secure foundation, a nurturing environment, a beautiful life.  I do NOT try to define how that may manifest for me.  I also try not to pay attention to how it may be unfolding around me – because then I tend to judge its progress, and I am still sometimes unbalanced enough in moments to then panic at the sign of what seems to me to be not enough forward motion, or even sometimes worse - too much.  So I have developed a sense of detachment from the others around me and their processes (within which I have always been TOO invested, though I have always steered clear of being meddling) that I never had before, which tangibly frees up space, time, energy and focus for my own matters-at-hand.  I find the more that I focus on MY OWN set of issues, not only are the other issues around me lessened in their seeming immediacy, but they often enough find resolution on their own and then become NON-issues for me – or for anybody.  (Wish I knew the formula to make THAT one happen more often than it does...)

 

I am not rebuilding my life.  I am rebuilding my CREATURE – and the life IS conforming around it as I do so.  It is not a perfect science, to be sure – being conducted as it is, by an admittedly imperfect and still-learning junior scientist.  But I can tell you one thing – it is the process I am meant to undergo.  It may not be the prettiest method.  It might not be the most convenient method.  But it is the method I need to undertake in order to maneuver along the Path in the manner I must.  I am not just stupidly riding my bicycle down the middle of the sidewalk without a helmet, scaring little old ladies out walking their Bichon Frieses.  Really.

 

I honestly believe – by the feeling it brings – that a conscious spiritual teacher should praise when it’s good and grow silent when it is not so good.  I cannot seem to understand the benefit of making the student feel she is failing, that she is wrong - that no matter the effort and the time and the action and the intent and even what she considers to be her victories of more positive growth potential in her midst, she is still not ‘doing the work’ because she is not meeting someone eles’s expectations other than her own – which, as a conscious spiritual student, seeker, worker and BEING, I am personally ever trying to keep high.  Even when I know I have placed my own expectations too high.  Even if I know I am reaching up from a pretty low space within which I actually exist for that portion of the situation. 

 

If I were to only listen to some of the voices around me, I would give up entirely for the resultant feeling that it seems I am unable to ‘get it right’.  And if I were to only listen to some other voices around me, I might become too cooed and coddled to even function properly (but God – we ALL need to give and receive that mother-nurture from time to time!).  This is why I personally choose to use others around me as sources of new information and mirror, but not necessarily as definitive sources of Answers.  No matter what I see around me – even if it sparkles and makes me feel it is some divine dispensation sent just to answer my question – I am going to take it within me and inquire as to whether or not this solution is a part of my process.

 

And in the end, if the genuine feeling I get is in opposition to what ANYONE on the OUTSIDE is telling me, I have reached a point in my personal experience where I will choose the honest prompting of my inner sense every single time, because I have learned that it knows what it’s doing with me.  So, some may say I have trust issues – I DO.  I work on them all the time, by releasing more and more of my life’s matters into the waiting Hands of Spirit.  Some may say that I am ‘false-godding’ when I release and then at some later time infrequently find myself taking it back for some reason (only then again to release yet another time, because I know what is mine and what is not) – I certainly have the issue, and loosing control over what I feel I might (haha) be able to control is an ongoing exercise for me in moments.  I do not think this is abnormal, considering the conditioning I AM working on breaking.  I am aware of the behavior.  I am always seeking to improve it.

 

But in the end, no matter HOW I end up stumbling down the path, I persevere with FORWARD motion, honestly and authentically – even within my own usually self-imposed limitations.  I embrace myself in whatever state I find myself – closed and suffering from some perspective I’ve taken on for some real or imaginary reason or clear and connected with a joy of living that threatens to burst me completely open, I AM ME IN ALL ASPECTS, and I love all portions, whether they meet my vaunted ‘standards’ or not.  Even when I can clearly see I may be some level or another of ‘failing’ in the moment, I won’t chastise myself for the occurrence.  I will only remind myself AGAIN that I don’t have to do it that way.

 

So will I trust my Teachers, or will I trust myself when all is said and done? 

 

I trust my Teachers to teach me, and their advice is always highly valued and justly weighed within the most sacred of spaces within me to feel its utter correctness or lack thereof.  I never toss things out on a whim.  But if I have to choose between the actions prescribed by a teacher or what my Heart tells me to do that may prove to be drastically different, I will chose the Heart’s path every single time.  I am long past being apologetic for it, long past feeling I am doing something wrong by going against what someone ELSE said was right for me.  It has all too often been giving in to what others deemed my better path, despite my own inner warning system going off like a Roman candle that has helped me to so very unconsciously and erroneously create such disharmony within my own Song of Life.

 

One portion of my process is definitely about learning to trust in the ineffable Source from which all things flow.  Trust, trust, trust.  And it begins with trusting the messages being given directly to me, when they fall into opposition with things that are being given from without.

 

I am in no way discounting the teaching, the offerings of Love, the valid work done by teachers of all levels - conscious and otherwise - that move in and out of our life experiences.  NEVER take the gift and toss it aside.  Always give it due process.  But we cannot ever allow something outside us to override that which rings true within us.

Jeanne Austin’s California Taco Salad

 

Feeling just a little nostalgic while eating taco salad tonight.  It was always a family favorite while I was growing up.  Certainly a fave to my own family now – and we live with Dad, so it’s like a blend of then-and-now all the time, anyway.

 

There are things that are standards in almost every household, but which vary from family to family.  Taco salad is one of those.  Like meatloaf or stew, you just never can tell what people will put in their salads.  Salads can tell you a lot about a person, and that is an interesting study in and of itself – but I have no patience to undertake it now.  Not only do I wish to get on to telling you how to have this wondrous taco salad of my childhood, but I have my own bowl to get to.  Haha

 

So, here’s the recipe:

 

1 ½ lbs of ground beef, crumbled, browned and drained (or whatever you wish to substitute... we are still cavemen, and still eat beef)

1 pkg. McCormick Mild Taco Seasoning (3/4 C water to mix with beef after browning – YES IT MATTERS WHAT BRAND! Sheesh.)

1 large (what is that?  32 ounces?  39 ounces?  Whatever – that one) can red kidney beans (rinsed and drained)

Lettuce (for salad – YES, there NEEDS to be lettuce, despite the ‘Real Men of Genius Mr. Taco Salad Inventor’ song’s implication that it does not – I use the pre-cut bagged)

Diced (REAL RIPENED ON THE VINE!) tomato

Chopped white onion

Small (6 ounce?  I really don’t read the size of the can...) sliced black olives (yes – the evil formaldehyde kind...)

Shredded sharp cheddar cheese

Chopped green onion (just in case you need more onion... they’re different!)

Nacho Cheese Doritos (crushed – to put in the salad)

Sour cream, guacamole and salsa (if you want to pretend to be Mexican, still, at this point)

OR – the Austin family method – SMOTHER that in Wishbone Thousand Island Dressing

 

Proportion to your liking, add chips just before eating so they don’t go all soggy.

And see your dietician and personal trainer in the morning.  :D  I usually leave it all separated, so people can choose how to build it for themselves.  I live with fuss budgets who don’t like tomatoes or onions or some such, so... you know. 

 

 

 

This is not my salad - but it kind of looks like my salad.  Sorta.  It's a pretty salad!! :D (From SimpleDailyRecipes.com)

 

It happens to be VERY good.  Easy and hearty.  I usually warm some corn and flour tortillas because Dad always wants to make tacos out of it no matter how many times I say SALAD.  But TACOS is a whole other thing...  soft-fried corn tortillas in addition to the above ingredients, minus the thousand island dressing.  Nothing Mexican about California people Mexican food, but it’s an interesting taste all its own.