Tennessee– November 16-20, 2011
Monday, 05 December 2011 19:43 | 
Written by Quirin |
| Blogs - Reflections of Self |
My son offered months ago to bring me to Tennessee to meet my new granddaughter. At that first offer, there were a host of reasons why it was not a very good idea. I won’t get into them here. Those that know me well enough - well, they just know how life can be here from time to time. So I reluctantly declined, and I felt terrible, and I was resentful at not feeling ‘able’ to meet my granddaughter and see my son, and it was a difficult thing to surrender up in my heart at that time.
The subject was raised again here a month or so ago. In that span of time, a lot of things have shifted for me on the inner plane, and the entire thing truly seemed a WHOLE lot more doable. Suddenly, a door opened for me that I had never imagined before even existed, and then I was making plans to go to Tennessee. In a freaking airplane. ALONE.
The airplane was a pretty big hurdle, as some of you know. I’d only ever been on one once before – when I was 12 and didn’t know any better than to just innocently sit there and enjoy it. Since then, I have come to know too much, and I had developed quite the terror of the idea. Every time I thought about it, I got queasy and felt a little faint and broke out in a cold sweat. I struggled mightily with it. Of course, as most of you can well imagine – what we freak ourselves out with is always way freakier than anything real could ever hope to be. In the end, after FOUR airplanes in 5 days (2 going, 2 coming back), I am mostly over that fear. Though I do wish they would perfect that PERFECTLY smooth flight. Am a little tense in those moments when it sort of feels like we’re kind of falling out of the sky. Just a little bit.
I’d talked to friends online, and my youngest kid – who is one of a couple plane riding fools I personally raised – had counseled me (“Just look at the others on the plane – if they’re still reading their books or whatever, you’re fine...”). Daughter in law echoed nearly the same exact advice. Near the time to go, someone reminded me to try EFT. (I never think of these things. When it comes to doing things for others, I am creative; when it comes to doing things for myself, not so much...) and I looked up this EFT affirmation that laid the fear out in such silly and ridiculous terms (“Planes fall from the sky every day – several times a day”), that just reading the exercise made me feel better. EFT actually done, of course, reinforced it. I also gave myself Reiki several times. I was still anxious, but I made it. First plane, I didn’t bother to tell the flight attendant my sad story (as kid had also suggested). It seemed rather embarrassing in my own head, and I decided to just keep it to myself unless I started panicking.
I sat next to a really nice woman who was about my age who understood my anxiety when I thought it was only fair to give her some sort of advance warning, and she very gently assured me and checked on me with an “Are you doing OK?” every once in a while. Very sweet and so very HUMAN of her. I was so deeply appreciative of her compassionate presence. I was mildly scared after I got on, but I was maintaining fairly well, considering. But then we started to taxi... and quite against my will, a few tears leaked forth – which again sort of mortified me. Only person on the plane CRYING for Chrissakes, I can guarantee that. Oh how I wished for a hand to hold in that moment. No, I did not ask that of my kind seatmate. But she noticed, and I sort of laughed (I had my eyes closed... pretty terrified), and I asked, “Are we up yet?” to which she replied, “Yes – and it’s just beautiful.” Feeling such a trusting bond to this stranger, I opened my eyes, and she was absolutely right.
I don’t even remember her name. We did introduce ourselves to each other, but the fear immediately blasted it right out of my head. But I was very grateful for this woman, and I told her so a few times. A very gracious and loving time spent in her company – and I think I owe a lot of my success at overcoming the vast majority of this fear to her. My airplane angel, truly. She offered just the right amount of support while allowing me to conquer it one moment at a time, on my own. When we were landing in Houston (landing in Houston... UGH), there was a little change in air density that had us bumping along a little bit, and I sort of grasped the armrests and said maybe a little too loudly, “Normal?!” and my new friend assured me it was, explaining the air density thing – while the lady in front of us turned around to ask if I was OK. Sheesh. Big fat baby. LOL
Landing in Houston (having, of course, taken off from San Diego), I was flabbergasted by the sheer SIZE of the terminal. Yeah, that whole take-a-TRAIN-to-the-other-side-of-the-building thing. Good God. I believe the first plane had been a 747 (Continental Airlines, which I guess is now owned by United – like I have a CLUE what’s going on in the acquisitions of airlines), perhaps. The second was whatever United Express files – some small jet, three seats across – two on one side of the 6-inch wide aisle, one on the other – holding at my best guess maybe 50 people. A 707? I have no idea. Second plane was a little easier, even though being a smaller plane it was more susceptible to every difference about the air. I sat by the window – wasn’t even my seat, but that’s where I went when I boarded and the girl whose seat it was seemed nonplussed by sitting on the aisle, being immersed first in her phone, and later in the flight by her laptop. I watched as we took off and climbed into the air. And was only a little bit anxious.
Landing on both planes gave me very little problem – even knowing that it’s the most dangerous part of the flight. Both pilots made very smooth landings. On the way down, I had my one incident on the first plane of wondering if the slight falling sensation was normal or not, but none such on the second (yeah, I can learn a few new things here and there once in a while...)
It was such a joy to see my son at the airport – and not just because we were both on solid ground at that point! The trip back to his house was wonderful. Since he’d come alone to pick me up, I had him all to myself for two hours. Which was awesome, considering it had been forever since I’d seen him last. We filled the entire two hours with conversation, catching up and sharing. Just GLORIOUS. I am so blessed with kids who will REALLY talk to me. It was a special re-bonding time for us. I enjoyed it so very, very much. And the trip itself to their suburb area of Chattanooga was pleasant all the way along the route.
I found Tennessee absolutely GORGEOUS. It had been raining in Knoxville when I landed, but it stayed clear or ever so slightly clouded the rest of my visit. Mostly it was really nice and pleasant weather for the duration. The first thing I noticed right away about EVERYWHERE I landed was that, in contrast to San Diego – in which there is very little open land – EVERYWHERE else had TREES and OPEN LAND galore. Houston, DC, Knoxville – all had stretches of Nature the likes of which Southern California could only have the faintest of vague recollections. I know there is still a lot up in Northern California, but down here the concrete jungle and desert prevail with stands of trees being the anomaly. There’s simply not a lot in the way of copses of trees and sprawling open expanses of the fantastically colored land of farms or parks or whatever. VERY different. An enjoyable difference. I’d forgotten how much I really love LOTS of trees.
One of the most memorable things along the trip back to the house from the airport was the multiple billboards that were advertising fireworks. Excuse me – FIREWORKS!!! With animation and actual sparkling effects. The signs were all very similar – all for the same giant fireworks maker, it seemed - just different sizes. And there were many of them. One of the first things my son remarked upon: “There’s something you’re not going to see much of in California.” That’s true. We’re not allowed fireworks in California. We’re too stupid and burn the crap out of everything like a bunch of idiots when they let us have them, so they disallow them overall. Used to be county by county – now it’s everywhere because apparently the stupid has spread epidemically throughout the State.
He told me that it had been a lot prettier before the last storm had blown through and stripped the trees of all their colorful leaves, but I found it absolutely enchanting, nonetheless.
I won’t bore you with all of my adventures. I am a cheap date, and what amuses or delights me is often not so much a thrill to someone else – like I enjoyed the happy bliss of my daughter in law and me just going out and about and visiting a nearby thrift store, and one of the high points – BESIDES, of course, meeting my granddaughter! – was the awesome ice cream place we went to called “The Ice Cream Show”.
I was left with several positive impressions of this very beautiful State. First of all, contrary to popular California opinion, everyone is NOT walking around in red and black plaid packing a shotgun. And spitting tobacco. In their John Deere hat. (LOL) As a matter of fact, I saw a couple things that led me to believe that Chattanooga, Tennessee may well be somewhat more evolved than San Diego, California in some respects. First of all, almost ALL their billboards are digital or those moving panel things. Fancy as all get out. Their roads are all ENORMOUS – and nicer yet, almost completely DEVOID of traffic – you can tell the economy is fine and that people are about, it’s just not all of them feel this need to cram themselves like sardines into one small space; the whole place is clean, well-cared for, actually rather pretty. Like people CARE about it.
The air is crisp and clean, and things just FEEL like they’re going at a more rational speed than they do here in Southern California. People have TIME to stop and chat and be KIND to one another. There is time for leisure activity. Life is NOT all about the almighty dollar and who we can impress most next. And that IS a feeling, folks. I can tell the difference of it just between Northern and Southern California. The difference between Southern California and Tennessee is like the difference between Earth and Mars. That NOTICEABLE. Everyone is a LOT more connected on a HUMAN level. I liked that a LOT.
When we took the baby out to have some photos taken of her, we were near to a freeway bridge that I believe goes across the Tennessee River, and at one point there were like 10 cars on it all at once, and my daughter in law’s mother pointed and said, “Rush hour.” Hahahaha Not only are the roads huge and orderly and clean and in good repair and pretty – they are consistently so, from the small neighborhoods to the highways. When I see how Tennessee takes care of itself, it makes me wonder what the hell is the MATTER with California. You can bet we have more money. A LOT more money. And yet we do not achieve this graceful state – not even close. I’d want to investigate that if I could stand politics. But I can’t, so I shan’t. I would wager it has a lot more to do with the personality of the people who inhabit a place and what is important to them.
The weather stayed mostly beautiful and slightly cool. If it rained at all, it was not while we were up and about. It got a little cloudy the last couple days, but mostly it was just plain pleasant. I’d decided to forego my winter coat, looking at the weather there online. Seemed it wasn’t much different than it was here at this time of year, and it wasn’t. It really only got very cold much later at night, or in the wee hours of the morning. Only a couple times did I wish for my wonderful, long, wool blend, freshly dry-cleaned for the first time in three years, warm bad-ass coat. Otherwise, I was glad to not be carting the sucker around with me, unnecessarily.
Everywhere we went the buildings were huge – and awesome. Everything looked like a mansion and many of them actually were. And of those that actually were, it was not uncommon for them to fall well below a half million dollars to purchase. Same thing out west here would be in the multiples of millions, especially if it came with that much land. What Tennesseeans refer to as ‘the back yard’ we in California refer to as ‘the main City Park’. Real yards you can actually do something with. Everything was so PRETTY – and so CLEAN. Here in California, sometimes the pretty seems a little too forced, and you can never say that it’s too clean. I mean, NEVER. And though I have not traveled much else wise, I have traveled nearly the entire length of California, and I have never seen this level of cleanliness and attention to fine detail in a community ANYWHERE else I have been.
And here’s my favorite part of immersing in Southern Hospitality for three whole days: whereas, here in California, such has been the case that when I would be out and about and I would pass a stranger on the street, in the store, whatever, and I would smile – that I would most often receive a sort of frown or blank stare in return - often followed by the other lowering their eyes to the ground, quickly scurrying past, lest I should try to smile at them AGAIN, in Tennessee, the weirdest thing happened. We would be out, or I would just be standing outside having one of those few and far between cigarettes, and a stranger would walk by. I would smile, and lo and behold, they would SMILE BACK – AND ask me how I was, to which I would reply pleasantly that I was doing pretty good (because I was!) and ask them in return how they were doing, to which THEY would take the time to (sometimes even STOP! and) reply, usually in the positive - and sometimes even go on to share a little bit more of themselves.
WOW. I totally DUG on that part.
First full day there, my daughter in law took their ‘puppy’ (and I use that term loosely - he’s some sort of husky, Siberian I think, and he’s a sort of small horse-sized dog) to the dog park. Here in California, that would be a little strip of grass where the dogs are allowed to have nervous sniffing interaction and take care of necessary business. In Tennessee, the DOG Park portion of the park is larger (and nicer) than many small city HUMAN parks I have frequented. AND it had trees with tennis balls hidden in them (the regulars were going from tree to tree to find them), watering stations, and ramps and the like for exercise. Nicer by far than many human parks I’ve been in.
Then we went for a short walk along a trail in the larger portion of the park. Just like I had experienced up north (Mendocino area of California, Fort Bragg and such), the city park was so extraordinary that it was like visiting something special like the Grand Canyon or a preserve of some sort or something. There was an historic building on the site that was still used, there WAS a canyon in the park, and a river ran through it. The trail, unfortunately, wended its way UPWARDS, and having been a long time smoker, having been some time since the last time I’d REALLY exercised any, carrying the baby, and still being on the mending end of overcoming a long and difficult bout of bronchitis, I didn’t make it very far before I was winded (but NOT wheezing! So I will take my blessings as they come! The bronchitis had been a real monster.) Lucky for me, Paige decided she felt fussy around the same time (it was chilly and Grandmama was NOT being a lot of fun in the moment), so we took a short cut back to the car. But the walk had been stimulating and peaceful and beautiful – and my first chance to bond a little more with my daughter in law.
I enjoyed everything about my visit to the South. Southern Comfort food is awesome. I can’t move there because I would weigh a thousand pounds. And my son married a good cook who likes to try new things! Southern Hospitality can’t be beat. Makes California look like the cold bitch that she really is, too much of the time. The weather in Tennessee is highly tolerable – I kept envisioning my son out digging his car out of snowdrifts to get to work. Make me want to cry! Then only to find out it only snows a couple times a year and at that, only about 8” at a time... It is beautiful and clean and pleasant and sweet and nice and comfortable and easy and smooth... The energy of the place is very smooooth.
Of course, since we all know I’m a crazy Fringe Bleeding Heart Liberal Democrat Nonconformist New Age Heathen Pagan Heretic Lost Soul, a longer lingering might prove to be a little more challenging – Tennessee IS a red state, after all. But before it got to that point, there would just be a whole lot of NICE involved. And I have a feeling, even if they were relegating me into the bowels of Hell for my chosen spiritual and (roughly non-) political path, they would likely do it in as NICE a manner as possible. LOL!!
Though the visit to the state itself was a very wonderful experience, more wonderful by far was the opportunity to meet my nearly 8-month old granddaughter. You know, when your kids move away and start a family, if you come from a space such as mine, you just become resigned to the fact that you aren’t going to see them much. And he’s married into a really great family who keep me up on what’s going on, including his wife who has kept me involved with what the baby is doing since she came home from the hospital with her. I have not felt left out or like I have missed anything at all. But you know... you just know that you’re not going to be seeing much of them. And they eventually wish to move even further, when the time is right. As a practical mom, I know that means less and less actual contact.
But a small part of me was frustrated that I could not HOLD her. There is that continuity of life thing. That assurance that what I gave my life to has meaning and purpose into the future. My son is a father. And the torch is passed along. Having lost my sister a year and a half ago, and our mother 25 years ago, I felt such a yearning to make this physical connection with her for the sake of what continuity is left for this bunch. We are a small family at this point, and dwindling. His offer to bring me out there was an immense offering of love to me. I swallowed my fears and did things I have NEVER done on my own, just to hold her in my arms and count her toes and kiss her nose and beam with joy at all of them for their happy family and existence. For just a few days, nothing else mattered. All that mattered was the fact that I was REALLY relaxing, I was getting to know my daughter in law better and getting to spend time with my sorely missed son. And I was getting as much of that grandbaby as possible.
She is such a good baby! Hardly fusses at all. And EVERYONE says she’d make a great Gerber Baby. We grandmas certainly have our biases, but I honest to God think she is the prettiest baby I have ever seen – and I had some pretty darn pretty babies, myself. (I do not hesitate to mention that I have photographic evidence that she is eerily like her Daddy as a baby – but has all the best of Mommy, too!)
Just now 8 months old, she is already a fledgling nerd. She can smell technology from across the room – particularly if it has BUTTONS – and will wiggle herself over any obstacle to obtain it. She knows EXACTLY what to do with a computer keyboard. My Little Pony makes her glow like an angel. LOL!! And do the baby bounce dance with a big grin on her face and wide, sparkling eyes. SO CUTE!
Though the whole experience took me WAY out of my comfort zone, and pushed me WAY beyond most of my endurances, it was one of the best experiences of my life to this point. Perfection in every way. Comfort and peace and joy and family and happiness and freedom and LOVE. Every single step, every single moment.
Meeting my daughter in law’s family was very nice, too. With the internet to connect us nowadays, we can get to know people pretty well without ever having met them. I did meet her mom briefly right after the kids had gotten married and they were moving out there. But it felt just like sitting down with someone I already knew (her mom) and the rest whom I met had the same feeling of family about them. It was very special to see her mom again and to meet other members of the family whom I hear so much about. Including the many fur children (cats and dogs).
My daughter in law is a lovely, gracious hostess, with warmth and a decent sense of humor and an easygoingness that put me immediately at ease in their home. I could tell she had taken the time to plan some time out doing some things around town – but knowing how I am, not too much and simple stuff. She took me special, memorable places and treated me to small treats that were full of big love and meaning. The baby stayed with Tennessee Grandma for an evening, and we went out to dinner together at Sticky Fingers. We spent our time sharing deeper portions of ourselves with each other and enjoying the baby in all her growing amazingness. Coming from such periods of such ABNORMAL family function in my past, it was so beautiful to have such NORMAL interaction and to just relax so completely into the experience. She cooked, she connected, she made sure I was comfortable, and made me feel like a special guest – without too much of the GUEST part. She fully embraced me as family in her home. So very wonderful. I am so grateful my son found her. So pleased I can call her “friend”.
Every portion of my trip was totally worth the initial terror, the long hours, the complete exhaustion, the jet lag (haha). I overcame so much within myself, proved so much TO myself about what I am able to manage within my life, what I can do on my own, how completely empowered I can be – and more so, how I can leave for 5 days and the bunch at home somehow manages to take care of itself! I know in that small span of days I was changed in large ways that will serve me magnificently on the pathways ahead. I claimed more of my true self on this trip. I introduced myself to portions of myself I don’t think I knew existed before. I planted seeds of actualization that will grow far into the future for my greater benefit later on down the road.
Yeah, yeah. It was JUST a 3 day visit to Tennessee. No, you have no idea, really. It was SO much more, considering the space I had to exit in order to experience it.
But above and beyond everything else, I held that beautiful little baby in my arms and felt the future blooming in all its glory before me. It was like holding Eternity in my hands and just gaping in amazement at the sheer wonder of it all. She is such a glorious little miracle. I am so grateful for all of them. And I am so deeply grateful for the opportunity to hold her close to my Heart. The joy of it fills my heart to overflowing.
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